...the road to breakthrough.

 

It is no secret to many that I have suffered for the past twenty-five years with a loss in my life that has tested my faith over and over again. Others had no idea. But I think that I need to come clean and out myself with it because, as bad as it has been, I have not necessarily been the victim at all times.

            When my first-born son came out as gay years ago, I went through a deep faith crisis that, for many reasons, has lasted for all those years. For the sake of time and space, I will not go into details right now—I am writing a book, hopefully you can read about it then, if I ever get the guts to publish it. That crisis of faith became a stronghold in my life that prevented me from being totally efficient in my relationships, my home life, and my ministry. That is where this blog is going.

            Two years ago I moved out of state and my son stayed behind. That put a land separation between us, leading me to “cut the umbilical cord,” per say. Except that I did not realize that the cord had only come lose, not really cut, because it had already become that stronghold that was threatening to become a stranglehold.

            We joined a small thriving church in our new town. I was eager to join and become active once again. Having left all my support group, my ministry, my family behind, I needed to get plugged in and start work right away. Little did I know the Lord had something else in mind, in the form of something called “pandemic”, “Corona”, “Covid”; choose your name. What little I had done to try and get connected, went out the window.

            Shortly after the church reopened, one of the first events that came back was their annual women’s retreat; an intense, worship and teaching weekend packed with fellowship and learning; but also, a little expensive. I wanted to go. I wanted to go bad. I needed community. But being that expensive, my prayer to the Lord was, “I need you to talk to me. I don’t want to pay all this money, just to come back pumped up for a few weeks and then, back to my doldrum. I can do that for free by staying behind. I need you to talk to me, and I mean, really talk to me. And I don’t want to spill my guts to perfect strangers again like I did on the last retreat I went on, for nothing.” And off I went.

            And talk to me He did. The very first night. The speaker had no idea that one word, one word, out of her entire teaching would be the one that would speak to me. Stronghold. God spoke to me clearly that if I wanted to be useful in ministry, I needed to let go of the chains that I had put myself in, and get rid of that stronghold altogether.

The cleansing started right there, right away. For the next three months God continued to work slowly and inadvertently in my life.

Then came Mother’s Day, and the progression to breakthrough started. That day that I dread because I always feel so guilty when I hear all the stories of success in parenting, opening up old wounds that I do not want to feel again. But this time was different. Same speaker. This time her teaching was about what to do when you find yourself sitting, motionless, staring at the unexpected. “It wasn’t supposed to be like this,” was the sentence that grabbed my attention. I had told myself that so many times. Each of the three Marys had an unfulfilled expectation when Jesus died. Mary thought her son would be king; the mother of Zebedee had her eye on the wrong idea, and focused on earthly things; Mary Magdalene, who knew God’s incredible power on her own skin, thought He would have the power to bring this kingdom to fruition. I identified with them because their reality did not match their expectations. My reality did not match my expectations either. But that unexpected was somehow necessary, although we cannot see it at the moment. But hope was in the horizon.

Next Sunday was about recovery. When you feel you can’t go on one more day…God’s grace sustains you and YOU CAN CONTINUE. You can recover after a loss; you can find your way in the dark; you can feed your soul and resist temptation; you can be prepared. And preparing me He was.

Soon after, a seventeen-year-old kid took the pulpit. Who knew that a child could lead an old-seasoned believer to conviction! This boy talked on the story of Elisha and Joash, king of Israel, and the importance of making church a priority for our children. Elisha had told Joash to get a bow and arrow and then laid his hand on the hands of the king before he shot it. The analogy was that we are to let God guide our hands as we parent our children. There were times when I had pushed God’s hand away from my arrow when I made decisions on the life of my children that did not make church a priority in their lives. I was guilty of contempt for God’s family and God’s desire. The Holy Spirit convicted me.

Finally, today, breakthrough came in the form of a song.

            God, I'm on my knees again. God, I'm begging please again. I need you. Oh, I need you.
            Walking down these desert roads, water for my thirsty soul. I need you. Oh, I need you.
            Your forgiveness is like sweet, sweet honey on my lips; like the sound of a symphony to my ears;
            like Holy water on my skin.

 To say that I physically felt God’s forgiveness is an understatement. Now the question is, what do I do with that forgiveness? Do I hoard it, or do I give it away? Do I invest in the lives of those teenagers that are now beginning their journey? But what is my motivation? Am I doing it because I feel guilty? Am I doing it to redeem myself from my past mistakes? Am I doing it because God is really calling me? But, am I qualified for the task? So many questions that I still need answered. I have a feeling that answer may come a little easier now, soon.

The end truth for the service was a quote from the pastor: “I don’t have a quitting card.” No, no matter the circumstance, you don’t quit. I won’t quit. You don’t know when breakthrough is going to come. Keep going, but don’t go alone. Invest, because what you do may be just the catapult that produces the breakthrough.

I don’t know what my service will look like from now on. I don’t know what I am to do with this newfound freedom from the stronghold that had me bound. I will let God have the final word. My guess is that it will be exciting.